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The port bastards will usually be located in front of you and a bit to the right. Beware, three fourths of the time they'll be staring right at your back, following your every move. | ||||
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| As proven in a 1999 study on the effects of ports on
starboards, in 3/4 of the cases, the starboard will leave a conversation with a port 15%
dumber, and 20% uglier. "Then why do they stroke?" you may ask, and with good reason. - The capability of taking the same stroke over and over again in perfect tempo is undoubtedly a complex function. Trusting this operation to a port was a side-effect of a treaty signed by the Council of Supreme Rowers 7 years ago in which ports got control of the rating, and starboards got control of the set in bow. This was an intelligent trade-off since a good rate is worthless without set. |
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| The most disturbing effect of ports is their
effect on women. Women, unable to control their animal attraction to rowers in
general will be automatically sucked towards the stern of the boat, where the vibes from
the all enlightened coxswain are strongest. This will cause a 12.5% increase in the
likeliness of a port rower to find a mate. This of course does not exclude
starboards from the gene pool, but in the long term it's effects will be devastating to
the concept of sweep rowing. With the annual decrease in starboard population
estimated at 2,800 per year, courses will become more circular in topology as regatta
holders scramble to make up for the lack of competition, and thus strength on the
starboard side. Proof of this is already becoming apparent. In an intercepted
memo from the holders of the Head of the Charles Regatta, plans are being formulated to
reverse the direction of traffic due to the excessive crews beaching, not being able to
make the turns with their lack of starboard might. Proof is pouring in from all over... Our coxswain friend Jeremy writes... |
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| SLEEP WITH A STARBOARD! To increase the
number of available starboard rowers, and to increase their ever diminishing morale, it is
encouraged that you sleep with a starboard (especially bow, since this is the seat with
the least amount of booty). You may be wondering what to do if you are a port, and wish to help your starboard friends. In this case, a castration is encouraged. The corrective surgery will discourage the natural flow of females to your port-self, and thereby increase the likeliness of bow procreating. To encourage more widespread awareness of the port threat, please follow this link, and insert the banner on your page. Feeding and generally helping starboards can also help. If you with to donate to the starboard rebellion, please send a check or money order of any amount to:
Your funding will help feed at least one starboard, and thereby increase the average health of all starboards.
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Please direct all flames to ImAPort@antiport.8m.com
Please direct all other mail to ImAStarboard@antiport.8m.com